Monday, September 14, 2009

Special Report: Size Denial

On a recent outing of the Breaking News Team to a local festival - I nearly went blind. After surveying the crowd, I decided we must live in a locale that is experiencing a severe shortage of mirrors. Although, not as life-as-we-know-it threatening as the dwindling water supply of metro-Atlanta, alarming nonetheless.

How could we have let this happen?!

Thank heavens I was wearing the biggest, darkest sunglasses my nose will support - otherwise I'm sure I would be writing this from the comforts of a hospital room with two black eyes and bruised ribs. What can I say? If ogling poor fashion choices were a sport, I would be Olympic.

Back to our special report...size denial is reaching epidemic proportions.

Main offenders:

Little Bags for Big Girls

In college, hippie girls wore them across their person to carry their well, patchouli oil and other sundry hippie girl supplies. You're an adult now and your little, itty, bitty handmade bag from Ecuador ain't cutting it. Additionally, the tiny shoulder bag stuffed to the gills with everything from an arsenal of lady products and your school coupon book needs to be retired. I know, I know..."But, everything fits in there..."

The bigger the bag, the smaller you look. So, size up.*

*Note: This of course does not apply to small, sleek and chic evening and envelope bags. So don't go sending any crazy comments about how you can't always carry a bag the size of a toddler. I know this - I just practice it in moderation.

The Seduction of the Smaller Size

My friend Catherine has fallen prey to this throughout her adult life. Regardless of how the garment fits - she will buy a size 4 because she cannot bear the idea of sizing up. Sadly, I have seen her split two pairs of pants and had the great misfortune of literally cutting her out of a Lilly skort. According to her it had a faulty zipper. Ummm...yeah.

Even though the smaller size fits, it doesn't mean its the right size. At the end of the day it is just a number. Jackie O wore everything one size bigger. For good reason.

Denim Gives

Good gracious is the greatest of myths! It seems that the 20 and under crowd are especially susceptible to the dread muffin top. Sure, those low slung jeans elongate your torso - but their restrictive sizing are also causing your flesh to spill over the belt loops.

For one- you cannot be comfortable! I want to unbutton my pants just looking at you. And sadly, you've paired your mis-sized denim with a form fitting t-shirt. Sweet. Baby. Jesus. What did we ever do to you?? Have you never heard of a babydoll top? Find one. Stat. At the very least...

One last thought on denim -if you think your bottom looks smaller without pockets - you are KIDDING yourself. Step away from pocket-less pants. PUH-lease.

This has been a special report - LIVE from my Perch of Perfection in the Breaking Newsroom.

We now return to your regularly scheduled program.


Mrs. News Readin'


Stereos and Souffles said...

I was hotel bound this weekend and caught my first ever episode of What not to wear and I couldn't believe how clueless people are. I've seen their hideousness on the streets, but to hear these offenders talk about what they think is appropriate had me talking to the TV asking, are you serious??

Legallyblondemel said...

Relieved to see that you're back, although I completely understand the need for an occasional break!

Although I regularly snipe from my fashion Perch of Perfection, I confess a tendency to fall victim to the Size dilemma, particularly when it comes to jeans. You're right that the larger garment (and bag, for that matter) usually makes one look smaller, but oh, that number on the label . .

PaperCourt said...

I love seeing that one of my real life besties (Ms. Fashionista herself) was the first to comment on this post.

We took the fam to the fair yesterday. WOWZERS! If I ever feel fat, ugly, dirty, poorly dressed, etc., I'm totally going to the fair to cheer myself up.

thepreppyprincess said...

We're so grateful you are back with us Miss Breakin' News, for your Perch of Perfection offers fabulously tasteful commentary and insight. Especially when it comes to denim.

Smiles to you,

Samma said...

Since I live in east Tennesse, home to the taffy-inahling, turkey-leg chewing, ice cream-slurping denizens of Gatlinburg, I am quite familiar with size denial in its worst redneck incarnation. To be fair, however, most of those people are visiting from Ohio.

The Lawyer's Wife said...

I am always wondering if the poorly dressed lacked a full size mirror or a dear friend! I know I treasure a friend who will kindly suggest I rethink my outfit choice.

I will admit my years in fashion helped me out! There is nothing better than working in a place where others critique what you are wearing each and every morning!

There are places for comfort clothes people ... and that place is the comfort of your home!

leslie ruth said...

I'm fairly certain that this post just earned you an honorary post in the Fashion Police brigade which includes yours truly and my friend, Abby. I'll send you your badge post haste.

Monograms and Mayhem said...

AMEN. To all of that!

Leslie said...

WE should get together at a fair or big event of some kind and just talk about all the things that are wrong! :) There are definitely people without mirrors, or at least that is what I tell myself so I feel a little sorry for them! Amen to the pocket-less jeans...whoever made them should be condemned to fashion hell! They don't look good on anyone!! Now if we could just get all these people on those makeover shows and give them a new wardrobe...wouldn't that be nice! :)