Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
WARNING: If you are of the male persuasion the following post will cause heavy wincing, groaning, sucking of air through clenched teeth and down right TMI overload. So, quit reading if lady-scaping is not a subject of interest.
If Mr. News Readin' is persnickety about his hair, I am downright Black Panther fanatical about who waxes me.
Being a New York girl and a Catholic schoolgirl to boot - I didn't waste any time learning the art of lady maintenance. I've been getting my eyebrows waxed since I was 16. (Thank God I had the good sense to get these squirrels under control at an early age.) The natural progression for those who wax their eyebrows is to tend to their nether region in a similar fashion. First bikini wax - 17.
I know...it sounds like I was massive tramp. Well, I was.
JUST KIDDING. I just like keeping it all tidy.
Back in the day I would go into any old nail or hair salon to get waxed. Until, I met Anka, a lovely Czech woman at BLISS 57 in NY. I was there for a facial, standard eyebrow and bikini wax. When it got to be that time to clean out the Flower Bed - she wanted to know if I wanted a landing strip.
Ummm...could you just make it that if I have an emergency trip to St. Bart's - we're all good?
Before I knew it, I had agreed to a landing strip and my first brazilian. I went onto become a fan of the inverted triangle, but you gotta start somewhere.
Brazilians are one of those things that if you knew how excruciating the first one was going to be, you would NEVER-EVER agree to get one or the very least let them do both sides.
Half-naked, on all fours, allowing them to slather hot wax reeeeaallly close to your Flower. Oh, and you are going to pay them to do it. Once you go there with a waxer - you're as close as you can get to someone without a hangover and the hope of avoiding them at next year's sales conference.
When I married Mr. News Readin' and left New York, I think I cried more about leaving Anka than my family and friends. I had no idea how I was going to deal. Solution: my garden would have to be maintained on a bi-monthly basis by taking the JetBlue red-eye from Denver to JFK. It was the only option.
Mr. News Readin', although appreciative of the maintenance plan, did not think going to New York to tidy things up was cost effective. He told me to find a spa in Denver that does brazilians. So, I drove three hours to have wax poured on me by a perfect stranger.
There I am, in a stupid paper thong and some teenager walks in carrying a pot of wax.
Our girl, then proceeds to tell me she has never had a bikini wax. Wait? What? Never had a brazilian? Nope. Never had a BIKINI wax.
Peace Out. Seriously. I hopped off the table and told her she could do my eyebrows while I watch like a hawk in a handheld mirror. But, I'll be damned if I was going to let her ruin what my Eastern Block angel had created down there.
It took a few trips back to New York and a visit to a trannie/stripper/aesthetician in some effed up looking salon in Denver to keep me "in order" that first year. When we moved to the City in Two States, I found a Canadian who had worked in Vegas, and did a decent job. Her skills still paled in comparison to Anka's. She did however introduce me to this:
No Scream Cream. It's kind of messy, but if you are a massive baby (like yours truly) it takes the edge off. Vitamin Xanax and a glass of Pinot Noir has a similar effect - but we don't want them to have to break out the smelling salts to get us off the table. So, go with the cream.
It's time though, to find someone in City K who will never measure up to Anka.
I've canvased a few Junior Leaguers to see if anyone had any recommendations. The looks of shock I received were amusing.
"You get a brazilian?"
"Doesn't it hurt?"
"It sure doesn't tickle."
Needless to say, fruitless. So, I'm going to drive to a city about 2 hours away, to visit the waxer to that fair city's finest strippers. (They obviously know what the hell they're doing...) And don't ask me how I found this waxer. I'm the wife of a newsman. I've got sources.
Speaking of the Mr. News Readin'...if he's lucky maybe I'll get a heart-shape for our anniversary...
Sunday, September 21, 2008
A man in his late twenties pushing a little girl (maybe 3 or 4 years old) in a cart. AND wearing a t-shirt that had this across the front:
Watch Midget Porn
It Makes You Look HUGE.
Seriously? You seem like the type of guy who prides himself on his prolific t-shirt collection...and that's the one you pick to take your sweet little girl to the grocery store in on a Sunday night?
I know she can't read...but everyone else over the age of five can.
(Can you hear it now...Mommy, what's midget porn?)
If it weren't for my massive headache, courtesy of last night's visit from the Vodka fairy - I would have given him an earful.
Instead all he got was the stink-eye and an "Un-freakin' believable," which I'm sure rattled him all the way to the "naughty store" - most likely his next stop. Loser.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Picture it - the copy room - 9:30 am
Co-worker: Saw your husband last night. He had on a great looking tie.
Mrs. News Readin': Oh, you did? Where?
Co-worker: On the news. (Awkward pause) You did know that's where he was last night.
Mrs. News Readin': Of course - the news. Right. Thanks for watching. (nervous laugh)
Just some notes on that little performance:
- She thought she was letting the cat out of the bag...like he's been moonlighting and I had no idea. Oy.
- Now she thinks we have some weird open marriage, live separate lives and only attend high profile events together.
- Wait. We don't go to high profile events.
- WTF. Why would I thank her for watching?! Sometimes I'm so awkward. Ugh.
And for the record, yes I did know where he was last night. I watched the 6:00 pm newscast.I just always forget that other people can see him in the magic box, too.
But not a clue as to what tie he was wearing...damn. I need to be a better News Readin' Wife.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
I'm sure summers in Northern Michigan were awesome. I'm sure you hooked up with a lot of morally lenient girls, smoked a bunch of pot and drank gallons of Jack Daniels.
But did you have to write a song about it?
Frankly Kid, All Summer Long is well...lame. And might I add - super embarrassing for Lynard Skynard. Dragging the anthem of Southern Rock, Sweet Home Alabama down with you?
To make matters worse, it's Top 40 and on the radio ALL THE TIME.
Is that bad ass rockin'? No my friend, it is most definitely NOT bad ass rockin'.
Go get yourself a new track suit or even just spruce up an old wife beater, find a nice exotic dancer to keep you company on the tour bus and let's put this behind us. Okay?
Mrs. News Readin'
Which is why I L-O-V-E Simply Silhouettes. They have completely modernized the centuries old practice of silhouetting and made it fresh with cute colors and thoughtful applications.
I had seen their melamine plates in stationery stores, but had no idea that their website had such a wide array of great gifts!
How cute would this throw pillow be for a big girl bed or even a parent or grandparent:
This canvas would make for a fun gift for Mr. News Readin's godson:
Another wall decoration...Putter would look so chic in black and white:
(Image courtesy of Simply Silhouettes)
(Image courtesy of Simply Silhouettes)
These cards are a nice alternative to the standard Christmas picture card:
Their site offers lots of different options, but it does take about a month for some items. If you are thinking about Christmas gifts like I am, better get to shopping!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Shall we take stock of our first full year of home ownership, not having to drive a half an hour to a Target and living in a real city, with a real downtown and buildings taller than six stories? Mmm...yes...let's!
We are holding strong with two sets of couples that are our friends. One couple we actually purchased are house from, so I'm not sure they count. They were almost forced into friendship. The other couple likes to drink. We like them alot.
Rooms in our home considered finished: 1
Damn this work in progress thing! I was hoping to have this place ELLE Decor ready in six months...oh well.
Neighbors who hate us: 1
She called animal control on our Yellow Lab for loud barking - three months after moving-in. Welcome to the neighborhood! The investigating officer laughed her ass off when she saw the "potentially dangerous" canine on premises. (She might lick you to death, but vicious - puh-lease.)
Times I've said, "we just moved here" to
explain my lack of geography knowledge: 1,076
I don't know where the old library is - so please don't use that as your primary reference with directions. I don't even know where the new library is! But if it's near Chick Fil A, I know exactly how to find it.
Months spent saying Mr. News Readin' worked at a different station: 4
I got confused. Okay?! It happens. The old Ch. 13 is the new Ch. 6, but if you have Charter it's Ch. 4...you get the picture.
Times I've been asked if I'm kin to Mr. News Readin': 62
Seriously? Kin? Let's go ahead and update that for ya'...related. There ya' go. Yes, related.
There's our one year re-cap. Two more years to go on Mr. News Readin's contract and then it's move over Brian Williams there's a new purple power tie-wearing anchorman in town.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
So pleased we didn't get sucked into a black hole last night. That would have been awful.
And I'm really glad I didn't postpone picking up the dry cleaning. Don't get me wrong - I toyed with the idea.
I figured if it all went bad, then at least I wouldn't be out $200 in chemical laundering - because I'm too lazy to buy more Dryel sheets.
But then I thought, what if we start getting sucked in and the only person to cover it is Mr. News Readin'?
His Big Break and he wouldn't have a lightly starched, white Thomas Pink shirt waiting for him in the closet?!
Ughh. I would be hurling myself into the damn hole to escape the complaining.
We now return to our regularly scheduled program.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
But it sure sounded that way in his version of the story.
Thank God, Putter was there and told me what really went down.
An older woman that lives on our street stopped Mr. News Readin' to tell him how much she enjoys watching him. (His fan base tends to be female and skews in age range from retiree to God's sister.) Apparently, she watches ALL THE TIME. Guess who doesn't?
Guilty. Sorreee. I have a job and all she has is a beautifully maintained lawn and Wheel of Fortune. She should be watching local news. Who else is home at 5:00 pm and can actually just sit there and listen to stories about rain and its affects on local pumpkin farmers? Oh, and who actually cares about the rain and local pumkin farmers. Exactly.
More at 11.
Getting to this client is a total nightmare and the roads are always clogged with tourists (of the worst kind...) during summer and fall. Along these roads I've seen wild turkeys and deer, but I have always been incredulous when people talk about their bear sightings. I've spent a lot of time at their mountain locale and never - not once - have I spotted a bear.
I'm driving along jammin' to Leona Lewis when traffic comes to a complete halt in a wooded area. As we start edging forward, people began pulling off the road and walking.
What the hell!?
And there it was...a bear cub on the side of the road.
Before you say, "Awwwww" let me tell you the above pictured cub is not the cub I saw. (You'll know why I had to improvise in a moment...) Regardless, still pretty freakin' cute.
None of my Crew back in NYC were going to believe this. I needed photographic evidence. Inching forward, I rolled down my window to use the old cell to catch a pic of the little guy. (He was actually the size of a standard poodle.) Just as I am perched to catch him for eternity - he decides to be brazen and head right up to the car door.
Maybe he smelled Putter's leftover doggie day camp treats? Or maybe he'd gotten a whiff of my Jo Malone French Lime Blossom? (It is pretty yummy.) Either way - he could easily get in my car...This is bad. Real bad.
I am not equipped to operate cell camera, refrain from running over cute cub, make my meeting on time and remain composed while wearing 3 inch heels.
I'm a New Yorker for crying out loud...the closest I've ever come to a Bear is a weekend in Chicago! So, I decided this photo op would have to be sacrificed in order to not have a cub in the 4-Runner.
As I drove away, swarms of people were getting out of their cars with children in tow (!) to get a glimpse of a real live bear. I know...you are probably thinking - well, you're just as bad. In my defense, I didn't leave my vehicle and at least I didn't have the grandkids with me.
What they failed to consider is where there is cub, there is most definitely a mama. And mama ain't afraid to throw down with your super duper white sneaker wearing, Branson, Missouri t-shirt sporting, pancake house eating, tourist a$%. She doesn't get a kick back from the Department of Tourism and Convention Center.
So remember..safety never takes a holiday...even if you've just finished your 19th successful tour of duty at GoKart Buffet Bonanza. Okay, Tourists?
When I called Mr. News Readin' to tell him about my bear encounter he responded with,
"Call me back if it attacks."
At least he hasn't become jaded.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Southern Tide has the most comfortable polos ever. And in my opinion, they are very well made. There was just a leetle bit of guilt buying one for just me, so I snagged Mr. News Readin' one in red for UGA gamedays.
Photo credit: Southern Tide
Their website doesn't seem to have ladies shirts, but they are available. Click here to see their retailers.
And how cute is their College Ambassador program? That would have totally been Mr. News Readin' back in the prime of his frattiness.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
The NRH checked-in earlier and all seems to be going well and everyone is fratting hard. (If you need a refresher course on Fratting check out this site.) So while, he was swilling Jack & Coke on the front nine, I was going to take care of a few things around the house and then head to Lowe's to start making an upholstered headboard for the guestroom. It was all going well until about 9:08 am EST.
We were having our new treadmill set-up at 10 am. So, I got up at 8:00 am, had a cup of coffee, walked the dog, started some laundry, made the bed and hopped in the shower. So far, so good. I left the door to our screened-in porch open so Putter could come and go as she pleases through the doggy door. Big mistake.
After showering, I'm sitting on our bed applying lotion and contemplating today's ensemble when oh...holy...shit...here comes the cold blooded killer kitty, Pearl with a freakin' bird in her mouth. I scream and completely insult Pearl by my lack of appreciation, so she takes the prized kill into our guest room.
At this point, the dog starts barking at the cat so that she too, can get in on the avian action. Ding-dong. What the...? These people are never on time and these guys are 45 minutes early??!! Oh, and then the phone rang. Mind you, I'm still in a towel with lotion everywhere, sopping wet hair, a dead bird in the guest room, a killer kitty and a barking dog. Ding-dong.
This is not a clothing optional moment. So, I run and throw on Bids Day shirt ca. 1996 and my standard hot pink Old Navy lounge pants. As soon as I open the front door, I see dead bird fly down the hallway. Obviously, the dead bird - not so dead. (Worthless cat.) For 15 minutes, me and two men I have never met before ran through our house trying to catch killer kitty and the bird.
Somehow, the cat, the dog and the bird ended up outside. Thankfully, birdie lived to fly another day. Pearl was totally pissed that the goofy dog had foiled yet another skillfully planned kill. I'm pleased they only broke two terracotta pots and I'm not dealing with a bird, dead or alive.
The Killer Kitty: Pearl
To hell with actually using the treadmill...After all that madness I just needed some Essie Mademoiselle and the latest edition of Cosmopolitan. Pedicure!
To lessen the blow of being without Mr. News Readin' for 48 hours, I purchased a fabulous white shirt with monogram pour moi. All I can say is that I love the Claridge & King website so much, I had to buy a shirt. Love the logo, love the look, love the concept. I went with the Avery Script monogram on the cuff in charcoal. Any thoughts?
Friday, September 5, 2008
The weekend anchor is pregnant. And according to Mr. News Readin', she's been in this state "for-ev-er." Girlfriend experienced contractions the other day and was ordered to bed rest. That sucks. Poor girl. Oh and it turns out she has not been pregnant for an infinite amount of time, as reported by the NRH - and is actually 27 weeks.
Do you recall in the movie "Knocked Up" how everyone around the network was not-so-much about K. Heigel's pregnancy? That's a pretty accurate depiction of how management feels when on-air talent (and talent-less) present themselves with child.
Television news is all about consistency. Same face, same time. And that goes doubly for women. For cryin' out loud - if you want to go a shade darker or lighter with your hair color you had better consult your News Director before you do it. The last thing they want is a bunch of phone calls and emails about "not being the station I've watched for 40 years" because you decided to go with Chestnut 051 instead of your usual Chestnut 052. And they will write, call and email until you go back to chestnut 051. Promise.
Being pregnant kicks "Same face, Same time" in the a#$. You are going to look different. And the worst part - maternity leave. Being she's the weekend anchor, it's less of a big deal. Seriously...do you know Lester Holt because he's the anchor for the NBC Nightly News Weekend Edition? No. You know him because he fills in for Matt Lauer on the Today Show and he has a weird jaw/mouth thing going on...
Anywhoodle, the fill-in weekend anchor spot is like blood in the water for shark reporters who want cushy jobs behind the big desk. All of the fame and glory one could imagine achieving through local news and never having to report live from the State Fair again...
Mr. News Readin' being hard hitting political reporter, thought Management would never sacrifice him during an election year. No, not that election. We just filled 9 county commission seats. And next month, they're voting on liquor by the drink. (You think I'm kidding? We're in the South.) His journalistic prowess was needed weekdays. For sure. And besides, his main concern: missing a moment of college football. Particularly his almighty University of Georgia Bulldogs.Oh you know what's coming...That's right gang. But have no fear! College football will not have to sacrificed in order to read the news both weekend nights. Mr. News Readin' will be off Friday and Saturday. Then on Sunday night, he'll catch us up on the ongoing interstate construction and banter with the ridiculous weatherman.
Fridays off? I say "SA-WEET!"
Guess who just took over dry cleaning, two loads of laundry and miscellaneous chores of my bidding? You guessed it. Everyone's favorite Sunday night News Reader.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Preppy Pink Crocodile inquired about my lesser-known catalog favorites.
2) Someone is reading.
(Note: I do not hunt but love the gear that goes along with the activity.)
Here are my highlights:
The most beautiful Colorado family has assembled fabulous mountain attire and accessories.
The original Buffalo Check shirt! The civil war blankets are pretty cool, too.
Great hipster wedding or baby shower gifts. It doesn't fit into the scheme of the News Readin' house, but we can appreciate innovative design.
This is our Yellow Lab, Putter. She's five and exhibits sophisticated taste.
She's thinking about Warhol-ing her image for above her food bowl.
Sure. Just for him.
But, only because they are offering free shipping.
Stay tuned: next week we'll cover beauty, home decor and culinary delights.
Thanks for inquiring Preppy Pink Crocodile! Would love to know what your favorites are...
What is it you ask?...Yes, I subscribe to six magazines. Yes, I get catalogs from all corners of the globe. (Something about ripping into a big hulking envelope that's stamped par avion for Madame News Readin'...just makes squeal with glee!) And yes, I elected to keep getting paper copies of my 401K statements. Sue me for not going green. But, Mr. News Readin' keeps the envelopes that enclose our bills. Yatzee. There's our culprit.
In the work place, I'm color coded and label maker'd to the hilt. But still, I am overrun with paper. Maybe if I had file folders that were interesting - not just primary colors - I might be more inclined to file away like a happy little intern. Like these:
But truthfully, I just want to start throwing these around the office to see if anyone even notices:
For the home, I may get all girly on ya' and go this route:
We'll probably end up with these so that Mr. News Readin' will be able to keep it all straight:
Oh, and this little segment on Desktop Decor is sponsored by Billable Hours - when doing work just isn't enough to fill your 8-hour day.
Reporting live from the paper-filled trenches,
Mrs. News Readin'