In Depth Report: The Mommy Mafia

Part I of our ongoing in-depth investigation...

Their power stretches from coast-to-coast and around the globe. They look like everyday women - but secretly they gather in small groups at Mommy's Morning Out, KinderMusic, Starbucks and stride through parks with strollers two-by-two.

D.I.N.Ks* beware. They know who you are and are persuasive in their dealings.

*Double Income No Kids

They are the Mommy Mafia.

Mr. News Readin' and I do not have children. We've got as much as we can handle with a dog and a cat and Mr. News Readin's fan mail. But, we are looking into it. I'll keep you posted.

In our previous stop (the City in Two States) the Mommy Mafia was in full effect. These chicks were smart. Marry young, have two kids and let's close-up that Candy Store. They worked out, lunched, made the cocktail party circuit and always had a babysitter. They made it look easy...and they drew you into the fold ever so gently. In la Cosa Nostra, you are brought into the ranks during a ritual that includes pricking the index finger and spilling blood onto a sacred image, usually of a saint. (Did I mention I'm Italian...) For the Mommy Mafia, this rite is known as a Baby Shower.

If you are married and childless at a baby shower, you are most definitely in the minority and a guest with a bullseye on your back. The Mommy Mafia plans these events to showcase the tiny, sweet, things that you too - can have stacked to the ceilings. They'll even try to appeal to your husband with baby monitors, reminding him of his walkie-talkie days.

Ohhhh....you start thinking about Orient Expressed, Just Ducky and the baby section of the Pottery Barn Kids catalog (one might ask why I even get that catalog? Hmmmm...) and you start wishing that you didn't have to wait 9 months to have a baby of your very own. Then the Mafia makes a slip-up. Someone mentions a "mucuos plug."

Say what??!! And justthatfast - you have escaped their grips.

The crew that runs City K ,where we currently reside, is brutal and rivals only the Russian mob in their ruthlessness. If you have a child, we can protect you - we can keep you under our watchful eye, they say. Remain a D.I.N.K and we can offer you nothing but pity. But unlike the Russian mob, who convene in the mist-filled tiled rooms of Lower East Side bathhouses, these Mommies congregate and solicit membership at my monthly Junior League meetings. And it seems they have gotten to Mr. News Readin'.

While out strolling with our four-legged baby named Putter, Mr. News Readin' busts out with, "You know I've been thinking about insert double family name and I really like it."

Hold the freakin' phone. Since when does he even know our family names and how did he know to put the two together?! I knew immediately - they were on to me. Then...the first invitation to a City K Baby Shower arrived. These Mommies were not be underestimated.

So, I'm heading to their Baby Shower tomorrow. But, I'm ready...and I think there is still a chance that Mr. News Readin' has not totally been initiated.

When picking out the Baby Bjorn for the mommy-to-be, he wanted to know who the guy was on the box because it wasn't Björn Borg.

Whew! That was close...