Thursday, February 5, 2009

DIY Segment: How to Bankroll Your Plumber's Boat

When our master bath toilet started being temperamental four months ago, I begged the News Readin' Husband "to deal."

He snaked it about 26 times over the following weeks. When snaking stopped working, he marched up to our local hardware store to purchase a bottle of "It'll Take a Car Door off Its Hinges and Should be Handled in a Haz-mat Suit."

We had a big ceremony over the toilet as he poured out the whole bottle. I was suspect to this, confident that not only were we burning a whole through our pipes, but were not going to fix the problem. But I was reassured with, "The guy at the hardware store said it should do the trick."

The Inside Voice whispered, "If the guy at the hardware store is so well-versed on plumbing, why isn't he out there charging $100 an hour?" I silently agreed.

Shocker. Guess what didn't work? The only person surprised in all this is the News Readin' Husband. Even Putter knew better, who bolted from the scene to her Happy Place on the J. Adler.

"I can't believe that guy at the hardware store sold me me that stuff..."
Yep. Me neither.

Hours before my family descended on City K to celebrate Thanksgiving, he finally contacted a plumber we had used to repair a leak a few months back. (That time he couldn't come right away because he was out on his brand new pontoon boat. Hmmm.) The over-the-phone prognosis was that we needed a new toilet. So, the News Readin' Husband told him to go ahead and buy one and bring it over.

WHAT?! I'm sorry, but have you lost your damn mind? A new toilet installation? How does he know what kind of toilet we need? (Assuming there are differences....) All for the price of $1,250. Sorry, Doctor - I'm going to need a second opinion.

He eventually called another plumber, who came out to actually see our temperamental toilet. Imagine that? And the prognosis: there was a pen or toothbrush lodged in the pipe and his snake was big enough to get to it...(insert 9th grade giggling.) No new toilet necessary and left with my favorite parting words of any repairman, "I'll send a bill in a few weeks, just in case it acts up again and I have to pay you another visit." If he had been peddling life insurance, I would have bought some for me, the dog and the cat right then and there.

Of course the next chapter became - Who Put the Toothbrush Down the Toilet? dun-dun-dun.
Since everyone in this house is over the age of seven, it was pretty difficult to nail down the culprit. Mr. NR swears its me.

Yes, dropped the ol' Sonic Care in the bowl and said, "Ahh - screw it. (flush)." Not quite.

The moral of this story is being a good News Reader does not necessarily mean you are a Handy Husband. And, we are not allowed to go to the hardware store by ourselves or talk to the plumber with the big pontoon boat ever again.

More at 11.


PaperCourt said...

My husband is good at many things but handyman stuff needs to be left to the professionals. I often tell him, "There is a reason you went to Duke and not vocational school." Not so handy!

GrannySmithGreen said...

Such a good and funny post! You are such a talented story teller!

The Lawyer's Wife said...

tag ... you are it!

Legallyblondemel said...

Once again, it appears that the secret to a happy marriage is a close affiliation with a plumber (and if possible, a gardener, and a maid . . .)

Love that puppy photo & the Adler, by the way.

PS - Oh, how I laughed at your comment about The Knot. I totally got caught up in that too. Madness, all of it.

Happy Homemaker said...


"the plumber's snake was big enough to get it..."

The 5 Bickies said...

That's one way to say "I told you so" without saying "I told you so". You are too funny and I love this story. Does your dog have a thing for toothbrushes and/or pens?