Honey it's for you...it's that inmate again.

Grab a drink. This is long one...My apologies.

A few weeks back I mentioned all of the attention a certain News Readin' Husband was garnering from the male portion of the viewing audience. (Now we know how Hugh Jackman feels...just kidding...we have no idea how he feels, but imagine it to be yummy in an insanely hot Aussie way.)

Wait, where am I? Oh, yes. Inmate communique.

For an entire weekend we received calls from a service called Pay Tel Communications that provides the phone services for various correctional facilities. And at all times of the day...3:30 pm on Saturday to 8:15 am on Sunday.

The phone would ring, I would pick it up and a very chipper recording would say,
"This is Pay Tel Communications and you are receiving a call from (insert self-recorded name of inmate Dave), an inmate at the Blank County Correctional Facility..."

If the message were anymore delightful, I would have brought a bundt cake to Dave and asked the Pay Tel Communications lady to join my tap dance class. (True story.)

After a few of these, I grew tired of tearing myself away from DVR'd Top Chef and stalking an antique suzani on Ebay to answer. So I tried to call Pay Tel directly to see if they could remove/block our number or maybe just let Dave down easy and say that the News Readin's are no longer accepting phone calls - only Facebook friend requests.

Incredibly, not a single human being works at Pay Tel. So I had to contact our phone service provider, who immediately deemed me insensitive to those serving time.

Me: "We keep receiving phone calls from the County Correctional Facility and I would like to block all the exchanges through Pay Tel."
Comcast: "Do you know someone at the jail?"
Me: "No and I'm not trying to get to know someone at the jail either..."
Comcast: " Well, it could just be that you have the number of an old friend and they are trying to reach them."
Me: "I sort of don't give a sh&% who they think they're calling - I don't want Pay Tel Communications to show up on my caller id again. Ever. Let's make it happen, Sport."
Comcast: "You should probably just take one call from them and let them know they have the wrong number and they'll stop calling."
Me: "Actually, Steve - I don't think they have the wrong number. But, I'll be happy to give them your extension at Comcast, so that when their 90 days are up for assault they can ring you to grab a coffee and just talk."
Comcast: "Have a nice day."
Me: "It's not looking good right now."

And, scene.

There is a limit to blocked phone numbers - 13 total. For most, blocking 13 numbers from reaching you would be sufficient - save for Bernie Madoff. However, in this case the County Correctional Facility / Pay Tel have wayyyy more than just 13 exchanges. So, even though I blocked all of the numbers I could, Dave & Pay Tel could still reach out and touch us from behind bars. (Sleeping with the lights on at night kinda-scary...)

Enter Mr. News Readin' and his close ties (and mutually programmed cell phone numbers) with The Law and specifically the 40+ administrative assistant in the Sheriff's Office, Shantall, who thinks he's hotter than Memphis in August. Let's be honest - you know she runs the damn show. He provided Dave's name and a list of the dates and times of the phone calls to our home.

With one simple phone call - I went from screening calls from Dave and my mother - to just my mother. Whew!

When I asked Mr. News Readin' who the inmate was...when this joker was getting out ...what he was in for, etc. (because it would be kind of nice to know if we are dealing with a petty thief or a rapist) - he said, "Oh, I didn't even ask."

You're a reporter and you didn't even ask any questions!!?? A little less time touching up your bronzer and a little more time getting the story - K?

Just to be on the safe side, the Sheriff's cell phone number is now programmed into my cell. Which could lead me to a cozy little cell next to Dave given my penchant for intoxicated texting and growing disdain for the renters behind us who play their music too loudly...


Stay tuned.
More at 11.

Fan Mail. Male Fans.

Let me open by saying, I do not consider the News Readin' husband a celebrity. Others, who obviously do not know the man I am married to beyond his daily television moments - do.

How sad for them.

Mr. News Readin's fan base tends to be 65+, doesn't drive after dark and watches Wheel of Fortune nightly. In other words - old ladies. But in a surprising departure - throughout his news reading career, gay men, have also expressed interest in our favorite anchorman. You recall this joker from PA.

Prior to me being the Mrs., he was residing in far western Nebraska, reading news nightly for approximately 200 viewers and a couple of folks in Wyoming. (That number is a slight exaggeration...it may have been 185.) Not being the savviest of souls, he decided to keep his home telephone number published for public consumption. Super smart.

It started with a few hang ups on the answering machine, calls in the middle of the night and then the letters started coming to the station.

"Mark" found Mr. News Readin' to be friendly and attractive - on air. Mark suggested a very discreet, friendly meeting "just to talk" in a parking lot. Mmm...yes. Nothing says discretion and friendly like meeting a stranger in a public parking lot, Mark. Save the ambiance and intimacy of an interstate rest stop men's room for your second date...errr, meeting.

Mr. News Readin' although mildly flattered by the invitation, declined via email and thanked Mark for being a viewer. He went on to tell him that he looked forward to starting his married life in western Nebraska in just a few short months. (In my experience - no time in western Nebraska is short...)

Mr. NR was slightly freaked out, but learned a valuable lesson and our phone number will forever be unlisted.

Which is why I am totally freaked out that all last weekend I fielded phone calls from the county correctional facility from a man named, Dave.

I've said it once - and I'll say it again...sometimes it's tough being married to a man who would look better in my Old Navy lounge pants, knows what concealer is...and garners more interest from inmates than I would. Damn.

Stay tuned for Part II of our Fan Mail from Male Fans - live from the City K correctional facility and a one-on-one interview with the county sheriff's department.

The Anchorman has a Fan(atic)

(Ron Burgandy (Will Farrell) and co-host Veronica Corningstone (Christina Applegate))

Ron Burgundy: I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal.
Veronica Corningstone: Really.
Ron Burgundy: People know me.
Veronica Corningstone: Well, I'm very happy for you.

From the movie Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy

While eating dinner last night, Mr. News Readin' shared that someone had emailed him requesting an autographed picture. Well excuuuuse me, Big Time.

He said that this overzealous fan was a gentleman...who lives in Pennsylvania. (Mr. News Readin's station reaches three different states - none of them are Pennsylvania.)

Ruh-roh. Sounds like those newsroom updates - broadcast on the web are reaching a wider audience than we thought.

He brought this matter to the attention of his news director, who got a got hearty laugh from the whole thing. I was amused as well, especially thinking that this fan thinks Mr. News Readin' actually has a head shot. Come on! That's just too rich...

Mr. News Readin's biggest concern, "Why would I want to pay the postage to send this guy a picture of me?"

Riiigght. That's exactly what you should be concerned with...not the fact that a man who lives hundreds of miles away and cannot watch you on the actual television wants a signed 8" x 10" glossy of your money maker. (That's news biz talk for face.)

The conclusion: if he emails again ask him if he prefers one with or without a shirt. Then tell him we'll send it out ASAP - postage due of course.

More at 11.

Local Celebrity Watch 2008

While walking the dog last night, Mr. News Readin' was mobbed by throngs of adoring fans.

Not really.

But it sure sounded that way in his version of the story.

Thank God, Putter was there and told me what really went down.

An older woman that lives on our street stopped Mr. News Readin' to tell him how much she enjoys watching him. (His fan base tends to be female and skews in age range from retiree to God's sister.) Apparently, she watches ALL THE TIME. Guess who doesn't?

Guilty. Sorreee. I have a job and all she has is a beautifully maintained lawn and Wheel of Fortune. She should be watching local news. Who else is home at 5:00 pm and can actually just sit there and listen to stories about rain and its affects on local pumpkin farmers? Oh, and who actually cares about the rain and local pumkin farmers. Exactly.

More at 11.