Ding-Dong: It's Mom.

My mother made an impromptu trip across the Mason-Dixon this weekend to see the News Readin's and deliver my brother for a 13-week visit. (Don't worry we'll get to that at a later date...)

For her, impromptu means 40 phone calls and a daily weather update. Not to mention - a Xanax refill for yours truly.

As I am not one to veil my impatience or general irritation with the behavior of another - she arrived bearing gifts to smooth over the harassment leading up to her descent...err...I mean - trials and tribulations of trip planning. Oh, and because she knows I desperately miss the retail bliss of New York.

As soon as I saw the Plaza Too bag, all was forgiven.




Mystique Turquoise Flip-Flop
I have two other pairs of Mystique jeweled/embellished flip-flops and l-o-v-e them. They take a casual summer outfit and instantly dress it up. Jewelry for your feet...and really comfortable.



KORS by Michael Kors Andres Moc in Green Patent
Cuter on than depicted. Worship the green color! Am dying to wear them with cropped white jeans and a navy bateau neck tee.


We waxed nostalgic over shoe purchases at Plaza Too in Bronxville, NY...for senior prom - sensible Stuart Weitzmans and my first big girl shoe purchase after landing a gig at Sotheby's- Miu Miu slingbacks...ahhh - memories.

Reminiscing didn't make her completely forget that she has no grandchildren, but it slipped her mind for a moment or two.

Yours in new shoe nirvana,

Mrs. News Readin'

Psst...take advantage of their Style Stimulus through April 15.

How to be better than Grandma...

...in the eyes of a child. Momentarily.

My first name is fairly common, but my mother had a late-seventies moment (as in the 1970's) and replaced an "i" with a "y" and well - the rest is history. A history riddled with tears on vacations because I couldn't get a license plate for my Strawberry Shortcake bike...or barrettes for my hair...not even a pencil with my misspelled "y" for an "i" name.

Damn. Life was tough. Thankyouverymuch, Mother.

My own life experience is probably the sole reason why I am a fervent believer that gifts should be personalized. Because you just can...

Recently I've started bestowing the ever growing number of minis in my life books from Frecklebox.

What is more fun than an entire birthday book with your name spelled out on cakes every other page or a coloring book complete with fire engines and your name in big letters? The seven year-old in me says, "Nothing better.."


Preview the Birthday Book here.



Preview the Rev It Up coloring book here.



Preview the My Name is Book here.


They have a good selection and even a book for new big brothers and sisters. My guess is if the book has their name in it - it will lessen the blow of a new baby. Good idea.

Which would have been nice to have when my parents told me about the best Christmas present ever...my younger brother born December 27.

Mmmm. Not quite. See I was thinking more along the lines of the Strawberry Shortcake bake shoppe shaped like a strawberry.

And to add insult to injury - his name is totally normal and afforded him all of the personalized tchotchkes imaginable.

It's a miracle that I'm not more medicated...


More at 11.

Baby Gifts: Bottoms Up

Between the inmate phone calls, being tagged 10 times to tell all my so-called friends on Facebook 25 things about me (I'm waiting to receive 25 tags before I respond), sorting Mr. News Readin's fan mail, deciding whether to do full monogram or single initial on my Snuggie, deal with dynamic of Kara the New Judge on American Idol and work - it's been a struggle to set the auto button on the coffeemaker at night - let alone think of creative baby gifts for all new arrivals of the mini-kind to the News Readin' circle of friends.

Love some babies! Especially those that will not depend on me for braces, bail, or college tuition. (Suleman octuplets excluded, of course. We are all on the hook for their bills.)

Personalized Diapers from Diapergrams are my standard baby gift, making life very easy.
They have great options for personalization and are great to work with if you wanted to create a team specific basket or even camo, for the family's newest Ducks Unlimited member.

All images courtesy of Diapergrams.com

They are also running a promotion with her personalized diaper apprentices (take that, Donald.) Mention "Diapergrams Sent You" and receive an extra dozen diapers:

www.AdorableDiapers.com
www.delightfuldiapers.com
www.dazzlingdiapers.com (this site will begin taking orders on Friday, Feb. 6th)
www.diaperscouture.com

Mr. News Readin' has on more than one occasion tried to get me to order a bushel with "Bad Ass Baby" printed on the back for his Fratty Friends' spawn. Ummm, no.

Shhh...should my resilience to the MM give way under the influence of several bottles of Rioja- if ya' know what I mean - it's how I'll tell him the big news.

Stay tuned. Up next: Big Brother and Sister gifts that will crown you Favorite Adult besides Grandma.

The Parent of the Year Competition Heats Up

Watch out, Campbells!

There is a new grossly irresponsible adult in the running for Parent(s) of the Year.

Can we get a round of applause for the thoroughly audacious, mentally disturbed, new mom to eight preemies and six (7) year-old children - Nadya Suleman formerly Guiterrez?!

As a taxpayer, I would like to personally thank Nadya for including me in the medical miracle that are her octuplets. First for the two months she has spent on bed rest at Bellflower Medical Center and second for the $200,000 birth of her babies affectionately called, A through H.

Ms. Suleman,
It takes a special person to pursue IVF based on the following:

• being unemployed
• living with their mother (who recently declared bankruptcy)
• has SIX other children

The ASPCA wouldn't let you adopt a kitten, and yet someone thought helping you out with eight embryos was a great idea.

Being a burden to society as an adult is one thing , but forcing 14 children to be a part of your repugnant freak show is sickening and deplorable.

I am pleased to hear that you have taken the typical route for all spotlight hungry low lives - by hiring an agent and planning to support yourself by pimping your babies and your sad, pathetic story to news outlets and talk shows - oh and pursue a career as a tv childcare expert.

Absolutely! Who wouldn't take your word as gospel on parenting??!!

Nadya, dear - the sooner your story fades from our eyes and ears, we the public (who are bankrolling your little tribe), will be better off. Your children on the other hand will suffer significantly. They will never know a normal life and will one day know the truth behind their birth. What to do then, tv childcare expert? Surely you can get a group discount for 14 children in therapy.

In your acceptance speech be sure to thank the immoral and soon-to-be without a license fertility doctor who impregnated you and the 46-strong medical team at Kaiser Permanente Bellflower Medical Center, especially these three below.

Dr. Mandhir Gupta, the neonatologist who helped with the delivery and his colleague, Dr. Karen E. Maples, chief of service for obstetrics and gynecology, along with Harold Henry were all smiles discussing your "strength" and all of the dirty diapers in your future. Awww, gee.


You surely couldn't be the mother of 14 you are today without the gang at Bellflower and their media relations person, who probably sobbed with joy over the good fortune in landing your side show.

And let me thank you Ms. Suleman, for providing another shining example that even me and Mr. News Readin' could be better parents than you.

Most sincerely,

Mrs. News Readin'

This just in...for real.

LIVE from the Breaking Newsroom

Here's an update on a story we've been following for you - just filed by our on-scene reporter, Leslie Ruth with affiliate Diary of a Southern Drama Queen.


Remember these idiots? Frontrunners for Parents of the Year:

Mr. & Mrs. Campbell and little Adolph Hitler

Apparently the state of New Jersey and the Division of Youth and Family Services decided that picking your kids' names out of the best-selling book "1,001 Nazi Names for your Baby" might be the tip of the iceberg of bad judgment calls.

According to the AP, the children were removed from their home. Details have yet to be released. You can read the full story here.

Sad, sad, sad. My heart breaks for those poor children.


Thank you to Leslie Ruth for that report.

Now back to your regularly scheduled program.

Frontrunners for Parents of the Year

We here at Breaking News (Mr. News Readin' and I) pride ourselves on being able to spot ill-equipped parents at fifty paces.

Not because we have children. To the contrary - because we don't. We recognize our lacking skill set to meet the challenges of parentdom and wish others would be equally as honest with themselves.

For example, our cat is sometimes forced to eat dog food because we forget to buy kitty food. In the parent realm that could mean our tot might have to survive on Riesling if we're out of milk.

Big Neon Sign flashing...WE SHOULD NOT PROCREATE.

Then we come across people like the Wentzs and these fine folks from New Jersey - who force their idiocy on their poor innocent children and are surprised when the world (or at least a ShopRite bakery employee) receives them coolly. Read the full story here.

Mr. & Mrs. Campbell and little Adolph Hitler

Hey, jackasses...err...I mean Mr. & Mrs. Campbell, naming your children Adolf Hitler and JoyceLynn Aryan Nation is nothing short of absolute stupidity, not to mention in the poorest of tastes. (JoyceLynn alone is criminal.)

Why not put a little more effort into your dental care and their education and a little less time using a Sharpie to put a toothbrush moustache on your 3-year-old...and forcing your small mindedness on America's future.

Oh, and nobody is buying your German descent bullsh*t. K?

But, thank you...

For renewing our confidence in the fact that even we would be better parents than you two jokers.

The Breaking News Team

The Mommy Mafia Strikes Again

Part II of our ongoing in-depth investigation.

The City K Mommy Mafia had been keeping a low profile since our first report. Their recruiting has slowed down significantly. (Probably because there are only a handful of us Smug Marrieds in City K who are without children.) Only once in the past two months have I gotten the pity stare for being married five years and sans enfants.

Although, I feel that may have asked for assistance outside their jurisdiction. Happy Homemaker asked me if I had any special news to share with my parents over Thanksgiving dinner and if so, she would like to be privy to such news.

I bet you would, HH. I bet you would.


On to our lead story...

Mr. News Readin' and I send out a holiday picture card every year, except last year when we did super cute Robyn Miller moving announcements. It's usually a shot of us at an event or local landmark that will amuse our loved ones and friends who enjoy life in more cosmopolitan locales.

I give you Exhibit A:




There we were living the good life in Western Nebraska. (Putter is in my arms. She was so little!)

I brought up the annual Christmas card picture selection the other night to Mr. News Readin', quickly realizing someone had already broached the subject with him.

He responded with, "We really need some kids for the Christmas card picture. Sending a picture of ourselves is getting old. We're not newlyweds."

What. the. hell. I'm not sure when the Mommies got to him, but it was obvious he was parroting the exact lines they had so skillfully planted.

"Where do you suppose we get a few for this year's card? I'm short on time."

My guess is that last week when he popped over to the Fresh Market to pick up soup for me - it all went down quickly, surrounded by Mommies in the prepared food section.

I know how it works...He's got a container of lentil soup in his cart and they swoop in and suggest the macaroni & cheese. (Their knowledge for weak spots is incredible - BEWARE.)

"I'm supposed to bring home something healthy," he says.

"Ahhh...but the macaroni & cheese has five cheeses. Think of all the calcium..." the Mommies say in hushed tones. His eyes glaze over and next thing I know he's talking about which of our spare bedrooms would make the better nursery.

Will they stop at nothing? Poor thing. He probably didn't even know what happened.

At my Junior League meeting the other night, I found out that a staunch hold out Smug Married was expecting.

"You're next," they whispered.

Was my Ginger Ale punch spiked with a cocktail of pheromones and pre-natal vitamins? I poured it out in a ficus tree by the door.

Not so fast, Mommies. I've got a wedding to attend in Spain in September. Like hell I'm showing up to that pregnant, surrounded by gorgeous Spaniards.

There will be a shower in a few weeks for the now defunct and expecting - staunch holdout. I know the drill, but I fear it's too late for Mr. News Readin'.

Now a "made man" in the ranks of the Mommy Mafia, he's talking about test driving strollers and whether we should go with Benjamin Moore Lemonade or Butter on the nursery walls.


We will continue to follow this developing story.

A letter to Mr. & Mrs. Wentz

Dear Ashlee and Pete,

Congratulations on the arrival of your baby boy, Bronx Mowgli!


I realize that as artists, creativity and expression are integral to your very being. However, is the naming of your first born really the best way to channel your artistic inspiration?

Perhaps I'm making a hasty call. As a New yorker, I should be bursting with pride...

Maybe Pete is related to Jonas Bronck, the Dutch sea captain, for whom the Bronx is named. Maybe Ashlee is a descendant of Siwanoy Indians and has a deep connection to her ancestral lands. Maybe you felt it was your duty as Americans to cast light on our nation's poorest Congressional District - the 16th.

Or maybe you just forgot that you're child had to attend the third grade and having C-list celebrity parents just wasn't enough baggage.

Seriously. Have either of you ever been to the Bronx? (Yankee Stadium excluded.)

The borough hasn't seen this much celebrity endorsement since Jenny was On the 6 and claimed her from the Block roots.


I expect Adolfo Carrión Jr., Bronx borough president, will be contacting you shortly to see how the borough can capitalize on this fragment of spotlight.

Perhaps, young Bronx will get a key to Co-op City? It's lovely this time of year.

Either way, go ahead and enroll that kid in martial arts. He'll need it.

If there is a next time, let's really use that nine months to weigh our options and think it through.

And no, Staten Island is not an option.

Warmest regards,

Mrs. News Readin'

In Depth Report: The Mommy Mafia

Part I of our ongoing in-depth investigation...

Their power stretches from coast-to-coast and around the globe. They look like everyday women - but secretly they gather in small groups at Mommy's Morning Out, KinderMusic, Starbucks and stride through parks with strollers two-by-two.

D.I.N.Ks* beware. They know who you are and are persuasive in their dealings.

*Double Income No Kids

They are the Mommy Mafia.

Mr. News Readin' and I do not have children. We've got as much as we can handle with a dog and a cat and Mr. News Readin's fan mail. But, we are looking into it. I'll keep you posted.

In our previous stop (the City in Two States) the Mommy Mafia was in full effect. These chicks were smart. Marry young, have two kids and let's close-up that Candy Store. They worked out, lunched, made the cocktail party circuit and always had a babysitter. They made it look easy...and they drew you into the fold ever so gently. In la Cosa Nostra, you are brought into the ranks during a ritual that includes pricking the index finger and spilling blood onto a sacred image, usually of a saint. (Did I mention I'm Italian...) For the Mommy Mafia, this rite is known as a Baby Shower.

If you are married and childless at a baby shower, you are most definitely in the minority and a guest with a bullseye on your back. The Mommy Mafia plans these events to showcase the tiny, sweet, things that you too - can have stacked to the ceilings. They'll even try to appeal to your husband with baby monitors, reminding him of his walkie-talkie days.

Ohhhh....you start thinking about Orient Expressed, Just Ducky and the baby section of the Pottery Barn Kids catalog (one might ask why I even get that catalog? Hmmmm...) and you start wishing that you didn't have to wait 9 months to have a baby of your very own. Then the Mafia makes a slip-up. Someone mentions a "mucuos plug."

Say what??!! And justthatfast - you have escaped their grips.

The crew that runs City K ,where we currently reside, is brutal and rivals only the Russian mob in their ruthlessness. If you have a child, we can protect you - we can keep you under our watchful eye, they say. Remain a D.I.N.K and we can offer you nothing but pity. But unlike the Russian mob, who convene in the mist-filled tiled rooms of Lower East Side bathhouses, these Mommies congregate and solicit membership at my monthly Junior League meetings. And it seems they have gotten to Mr. News Readin'.

While out strolling with our four-legged baby named Putter, Mr. News Readin' busts out with, "You know I've been thinking about insert double family name and I really like it."

Hold the freakin' phone. Since when does he even know our family names and how did he know to put the two together?! I knew immediately - they were on to me. Then...the first invitation to a City K Baby Shower arrived. These Mommies were not be underestimated.

So, I'm heading to their Baby Shower tomorrow. But, I'm ready...and I think there is still a chance that Mr. News Readin' has not totally been initiated.

When picking out the Baby Bjorn for the mommy-to-be, he wanted to know who the guy was on the box because it wasn't Björn Borg.

Whew! That was close...