Dear Ashlee and Pete,
Congratulations on the arrival of your baby boy, Bronx Mowgli!
I realize that as artists, creativity and expression are integral to your very being. However, is the naming of your first born really the best way to channel your artistic inspiration?
Perhaps I'm making a hasty call. As a New yorker, I should be bursting with pride...
Maybe Pete is related to Jonas Bronck, the Dutch sea captain, for whom the Bronx is named. Maybe Ashlee is a descendant of Siwanoy Indians and has a deep connection to her ancestral lands. Maybe you felt it was your duty as Americans to cast light on our nation's poorest Congressional District - the 16th.
Or maybe you just forgot that you're child had to attend the third grade and having C-list celebrity parents just wasn't enough baggage.
Seriously. Have either of you ever been to the Bronx? (Yankee Stadium excluded.)
The borough hasn't seen this much celebrity endorsement since Jenny was On the 6 and claimed her from the Block roots.
I expect Adolfo Carrión Jr., Bronx borough president, will be contacting you shortly to see how the borough can capitalize on this fragment of spotlight.
Perhaps, young Bronx will get a key to Co-op City? It's lovely this time of year.
Either way, go ahead and enroll that kid in martial arts. He'll need it.
If there is a next time, let's really use that nine months to weigh our options and think it through.
And no, Staten Island is not an option.
Mrs. News Readin'
1 day ago