DIY Segment: It's 11:00 pm - do you know where your husband is...?

I'll tell you where mine wasn't tonight...home. Fixing stuff.

At 11:00 pm on a Wednesday, my husband was on a play date over at his friend, Clint the Bachelor's house. Clint recently bought a ping pong table and set it up in what should be his formal dining room. Good for him. Of course - Mr. News Readin' is totally envious of this quote "killer" set-up. So, he's spent the evening over there soaking up as much as beer drinking and ping pong he can manage on a school night.

Normally, I could care less about him drinking beer with his buddies. Not today.

Today I arrived home to find the top of our toilet tank in the middle of the bathroom floor, surrounded by our good towels. I'm no plumber - but this did not look like a good thing.

He told me that this morning he had been fiddling with something and a geyser of toilet water starting spraying everywhere. According to my brother - it's a quick fix with a $20 kit from Lowe's. Great!

So explain to me, oh love of my life, why your little self was pretending to be the Jan-Ove Waldner (Swedish Ping Pong Champion) of City K instead of fixing our toilet?

His response:
"I'm just going to call our guy tomorrow."

Let's get one thing straight dear - he is your guy. You helped pay for his pontoon boat. Your guy.
This go round - if he starts talking about the house he's building in Aspen, I will freak out. On the both of you. Consider yourself warned.


Yours with fingers crossed but absolutely no faith in having a working toilet by the weekend,
Mrs. News Readin'


Stay tuned. More at 11.

DIY Segment: How to Bankroll Your Plumber's Boat

When our master bath toilet started being temperamental four months ago, I begged the News Readin' Husband "to deal."

He snaked it about 26 times over the following weeks. When snaking stopped working, he marched up to our local hardware store to purchase a bottle of "It'll Take a Car Door off Its Hinges and Should be Handled in a Haz-mat Suit."

We had a big ceremony over the toilet as he poured out the whole bottle. I was suspect to this, confident that not only were we burning a whole through our pipes, but were not going to fix the problem. But I was reassured with, "The guy at the hardware store said it should do the trick."

The Inside Voice whispered, "If the guy at the hardware store is so well-versed on plumbing, why isn't he out there charging $100 an hour?" I silently agreed.

Shocker. Guess what didn't work? The only person surprised in all this is the News Readin' Husband. Even Putter knew better, who bolted from the scene to her Happy Place on the J. Adler.




"I can't believe that guy at the hardware store sold me me that stuff..."
Yep. Me neither.

Hours before my family descended on City K to celebrate Thanksgiving, he finally contacted a plumber we had used to repair a leak a few months back. (That time he couldn't come right away because he was out on his brand new pontoon boat. Hmmm.) The over-the-phone prognosis was that we needed a new toilet. So, the News Readin' Husband told him to go ahead and buy one and bring it over.

WHAT?! I'm sorry, but have you lost your damn mind? A new toilet installation? How does he know what kind of toilet we need? (Assuming there are differences....) All for the price of $1,250. Sorry, Doctor - I'm going to need a second opinion.

He eventually called another plumber, who came out to actually see our temperamental toilet. Imagine that? And the prognosis: there was a pen or toothbrush lodged in the pipe and his snake was big enough to get to it...(insert 9th grade giggling.) No new toilet necessary and left with my favorite parting words of any repairman, "I'll send a bill in a few weeks, just in case it acts up again and I have to pay you another visit." If he had been peddling life insurance, I would have bought some for me, the dog and the cat right then and there.

Of course the next chapter became - Who Put the Toothbrush Down the Toilet? dun-dun-dun.
Since everyone in this house is over the age of seven, it was pretty difficult to nail down the culprit. Mr. NR swears its me.

Yes, dropped the ol' Sonic Care in the bowl and said, "Ahh - screw it. (flush)." Not quite.

The moral of this story is being a good News Reader does not necessarily mean you are a Handy Husband. And, we are not allowed to go to the hardware store by ourselves or talk to the plumber with the big pontoon boat ever again.

More at 11.

Do it Yourself Segment with the Anchorman

When the News Readin' husband and I bought our current abode in City K, I had mixed emotions. Of course very excited about our first little house, but I was secretly terrified about maintaining it.

You see, dear reader, Mr. News Readin' is not what we call handy and well, my skill level is remedial - at best.

Recently this was called to my attention when I asked him to check the legs on a cheapy table (a holdover from his bachelor life), as the whole thing seemed to be tilting and giving me a case of vertigo.

He flipped the table over, broke out our little tool bin and rolled up his Thomas Pink sleeves. My heart fluttered watching my handi-less husband attempting handy.

Following five solid minutes of huffing and puffing through some bolt/screw tightening, he declared, "We need a special tool...something with a flat head and six sides. A regular screwdriver just doesn't fit."

I'm my infinite handy wisdom reply, "Oh, an Allen wrench. We should have a few in the bin."

"No, no. Not a wrench."

"Yes, an Allen wrench - L-shaped...you know..."

Showing rarely seen frustration - he tersely replied, "Not a damn wrench."

Hmmph. So, I dig through our bin and find two different sized Allen wrenches.

"That would work. Those are wrenches? That's ridiculous," he proclaimed.

Good gracious. We're in trouble...we just need go ahead put a handyman on retainer.

Just to review - he is a helluva News Reader, snappy dresser and patient husband. If handy is the thing I sacrificed in marrying him, I have nothing to complain about...

Noooo, I don't want a new dishwasher for Christmas. How transparent can one be!
(I just want one in general.)


In our next Do it Yourself Segment, we'll review how NOT to bankroll your plumber's boat.
Stay tuned.