Dear Audrina : Really Feeling All That Global Warming

Soooo....I'm not dead. Just in hibernation. And might I add - for good reason.

No, I am not with child. I'm awaiting the arrival of the genetic masterpiece that is Gisele and Tom Brady's baby to arrive. That way - I can see if the old adage of two good looking people always have an unattractive child holds water. If they can't make it happen, then the News Readin' Husband and I have got ZERO shot. But, I digress...

***

In my usual morning cruise around the interwebs, I stumbled upon this image of Audrina Partridge of the Hills (and sundry naughty photo fame.) Oh, and she used to not have an upper lip.



Look at you, muffin! LA girl just doin' a little shopping in NYC. West Coast style in full effect...Fun knit cap and...bare arms?! Really?

Yes, it was mild. 57 degrees. But, 57 degrees in Manhattan is slightly different feeling than 57 degrees in LA. Look around sweetie. Everyone else on the street is hunkered down in some sort of clothing that covers the arms. After all, it is December.

Maybe I'm not giving enough credence to your furry vest.
(BTW - Is that Chewbacca or Scottish Highland Cattle?)




Either way - exotic!

As my mother would say, are you trying to catch your death walking around like the Breath of Spring? Like you, I would fiercely deny any chill. And you are wearing a hat.

Enough silliness. Those sticks for arms could use a leetle insulation. Now run along, and go grab a mini leather jacket somewhere.

You didn't go through all that trouble of inflating that upper lip just to cover chattering teeth!
Give my best to Justin Bobby and co.

Air kisses,

Mrs. NR


We now return to your regularly scheduled program.

Being awkward has its rewards.

In the deep recesses of the attic, in a box of old family pictures - it lays there waiting for its moment to shine.

Maybe you were wearing your red Snoopy glasses and had just gotten your braces tightened...wait that was me.

Maybe your creepy Uncle Ned was lurking in the background...no, wait - that's my bestie Hilary.

Regardless, we all have these photos tucked away hoping that they never see the light of day or make their way into the wrong hands for a rehearsal dinner photo montage.

Now you have bigger things to worry about. Those embarrassing "Why the hell was I wearing a selection from Bill Cosby's sweater collection with stirrup pants and hi-top Reeboks?!" pictures have a purpose.

A website devoted to others laughing at your awkward moments: AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com.

Be prepared to spend about 20-30 minutes cruising through other's photographic misfortune - and secretly hoping you don't stumble upon your own.


We now return to your regularly scheduled program.

Some things I will never understand.

I will never understand why Robin Givens married Mike Tyson. Or why Brad Pitt dated her for a minute, either.

I will also never understand why hamburger and hot dog buns are sold in different quantities than the actual meat products. Conspiracy on the part of commercial bakers? Probably.

I will also never understand why Hollywood starlets (or those that purport themselves to be) - who take extreme measures to maintain youth, beauty and above all - a body to rival that of a (somewhat) lazy anorexic - wear clothing that any normal human being would consider fug.

Yet you, young starlet, are duped to believe it is "fashion forward."

Come, now. Really?

Case in point:



Have you ever played that miserable game at a wedding shower when a team has to make the best wedding dress out of a roll of toilet paper? Looks like sweet Kirsten drew the short straw and Laura and Kate Mulleavy found some sparkly gray tp for this dress from their Rodarte line.

And what can I say about the peep-toe shoe booty business with buckles? I can say U-G-L-Y.

Kirsten, Kirsten, Kirsten...honey. Bright side - the Ferragamo clutch - is perfection.

In closing: call Rachel Zoe. Yeah - she'll make you feel fat - but better looking than this.
You might even achieve bananas.

Big hug,

Mrs. NewsReadin'

Mid Week Humor

I want to adopt the E Trade Baby. But, only if he really talks.

This is one of the funniest commercials on television. Don't you think?




Happy Wednesday!


Mrs. NR

The Parent of the Year Competition Heats Up

Watch out, Campbells!

There is a new grossly irresponsible adult in the running for Parent(s) of the Year.

Can we get a round of applause for the thoroughly audacious, mentally disturbed, new mom to eight preemies and six (7) year-old children - Nadya Suleman formerly Guiterrez?!

As a taxpayer, I would like to personally thank Nadya for including me in the medical miracle that are her octuplets. First for the two months she has spent on bed rest at Bellflower Medical Center and second for the $200,000 birth of her babies affectionately called, A through H.

Ms. Suleman,
It takes a special person to pursue IVF based on the following:

• being unemployed
• living with their mother (who recently declared bankruptcy)
• has SIX other children

The ASPCA wouldn't let you adopt a kitten, and yet someone thought helping you out with eight embryos was a great idea.

Being a burden to society as an adult is one thing , but forcing 14 children to be a part of your repugnant freak show is sickening and deplorable.

I am pleased to hear that you have taken the typical route for all spotlight hungry low lives - by hiring an agent and planning to support yourself by pimping your babies and your sad, pathetic story to news outlets and talk shows - oh and pursue a career as a tv childcare expert.

Absolutely! Who wouldn't take your word as gospel on parenting??!!

Nadya, dear - the sooner your story fades from our eyes and ears, we the public (who are bankrolling your little tribe), will be better off. Your children on the other hand will suffer significantly. They will never know a normal life and will one day know the truth behind their birth. What to do then, tv childcare expert? Surely you can get a group discount for 14 children in therapy.

In your acceptance speech be sure to thank the immoral and soon-to-be without a license fertility doctor who impregnated you and the 46-strong medical team at Kaiser Permanente Bellflower Medical Center, especially these three below.

Dr. Mandhir Gupta, the neonatologist who helped with the delivery and his colleague, Dr. Karen E. Maples, chief of service for obstetrics and gynecology, along with Harold Henry were all smiles discussing your "strength" and all of the dirty diapers in your future. Awww, gee.


You surely couldn't be the mother of 14 you are today without the gang at Bellflower and their media relations person, who probably sobbed with joy over the good fortune in landing your side show.

And let me thank you Ms. Suleman, for providing another shining example that even me and Mr. News Readin' could be better parents than you.

Most sincerely,

Mrs. News Readin'

Grey Gardens: What could have been reality tv's finest moment.

First, grab a vodka gimlet. This is a long post. My apologies...


One of my all-time favorite train wreck type viewing pleasures is the 1975 documentary, Grey Gardens, about Edith "Big Edie" Ewing Bouvier Beale and her daughter Edith "Little Edie" Bouvier Beale, aunt and first cousin of Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis and her sister, (once Princess) Caroline "Lee" Bouvier Radizwill. (Gah. That was a lot of names to type.)

The documentary is named for the dilapidated 28- room beach house the two shared along with raccoons, legions of cats (and a variety of other unsavory house guests of the scurrying kind) on West End Avenue in East Hampton's Georgica Pond area.

Grey Gardens ca. 1915

To give you a frame of reference - if the Beales were alive today, their neighbors would include Steven Spielberg, billionaire Ron Perelman and until recently, Martha.

The eccentric (read: crazy) mother daughter duo lived in the rambling house in almost total isolation. Their bizarre and rather unhealthy lifestyle was brought to light after a series of visits by the Suffolk County Health Department lead to a New York Magazine cover story in 1972. It was only then, that their more famous relations provided the necessary funds to repair the home in order for it to meet Village codes. (!)

Little Edie in the mink and Big Edie seated, in a still from Grey Gardens, 1975

Their story prior to 1975 is way more interesting than the living in Easthampton squalor.
Little Edie claiming that had Joe Kennedy, Jr. not died in the war that she would have married him and become First Lady - not cousin Jackie...Big Edie pulling her out of school for two years claiming that she was too ill to attend but taking her on a shopping trip to Paris and the legend that Little Edie lit her own hair on fire so that she would never be beautiful to anyone but her beloved mother...this also lends an explanation (albeit, murky) to the ever-present head kerchief.

If you are wondering where I am going with this...we've arrived.

Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange recently worked the red carpet at the Golden Globes, drumming buzz for their HBO movie, Grey Gardens to air in April 2009, based on the lives of the Beales.


This is not the first act of homage to the grande dames of Grey Gardens - although I'm sure it required more hairspray to promote (Drew, I'm talking to you dear) than any of the other productions. The most critically acclaimed was a Tony award winning musical starring Christine Ebersole.

Something tells me that neither Drew or Jessica are Emmy or Golden Globe bound for their portrayals. But, I've been wrong before...(Brad and Jen are going to be together forever - the tattoo on your ring finger kind of together forever.)

Grey Gardens restored , 2003.

Big Edie died in 1977 and Little Edie sold the house for mere pennies in 1979 to Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee and his wife, Sally Quinn. The couple have completely restored the home and grounds.

The Beales never made a dime off of the documentary, but did become (in)famous. It makes me think if this were to happen today, they would have a reality show, at least two appearances on Oprah and Nate Berkus would be re-doing their kitchen complete with a cat door.

Sometimes truth is much more entertaining than fiction.

Thanks for indulging me...Stay tuned.
Coming up next: DIY with the Anchorman.

Doppelgänger Alert: Barbara and Barry

It's Friday, so I'm going to keep it light.

Last night I had a nightmare that Barry Manilow was going to perform at my Game Night gathering. (For Mr. News Readin' this would have been a dream...I'm convinced he wishes my name were Mandy.)

For some strange reason, I kept calling him Barbara. Finally fed up, he screamed, "I'm not Barbara Walters!!"

What?!

Barry stormed out in all his merlot-colored velvet sportcoat glory, without signing my coveted CopaCabana t-shirt. Bastard. (True story - I attended another school's prom at the Copa. Jealous? Thought so.)

I woke up thinking - "I have got to stop eating Thai food so close to bedtime."
The second thought was, "Barry and Barbara? So, that's how they got him on the View."





What say you?

Mr. NR was totally offended, as he loves Barry and despises Barbara.


More at 11.

Partying like it's 1998...literally.

Mr. News Readin' had a humdinger of a 21st birthday bash in the backyard of his parents abode, complete with a beer truck and a kick-ass band from Virginia Beach, the Right On Band.

They played everything from Motown to '70s and '80s and they put on a phenomenal show. That was 1998 and I still remember dancing my ass off and hijacking the tambourine. (Yes. I was that girl - that night.)

We saw them again recently at our college's alumni weekend aka Frat Fest. Again, great show.

Apparently someone at Fox News is also interested in dancing their ass off and hijacking a tambourine from a big bosomed, boa wearing lead singer.

They're performing at Fox's U Party 2009 hosted by Megyn Kelly (Mr. News Readin's Plan B) and Bill Hemmer (the guy CNN told "thanks for the good times" in 2005) from 10pm to 1 am tonight.

Who knew!? From a backyard, beer-drenched throwdown to the world's largest New Year's Eve celebration in Times Square in a decade. Not bad. Not bad, at all.

This makes me think that come his 40th birthday, we are more likely to secure the beer truck than the Right On Band.

Guess I'll have to bring my own tambourine.

Happy New Year from the Breaking News Team!

Buffalo Check Beauty

Buffalo check warms my heart.

There was a moment when I wanted to have a Christmas wedding and my bridesmaids to wear red and black buffalo check skirts.

Fear not. We got married in September and no one was forced to look like the bride of Elmer Fudd for my amusement. It was just an idea...

Had I seen this little piece of gorgeous, we would have toasted nuptial egg nog and six lucky ladies would have made Woolrich's way proud.


If only I had fabulously festive affair to attend this holiday season that would warrant such a display. (sigh) Although, not sure if I could pull this off without looking like a Braveheart extra or worse - someone who actually eats. Ahem.


Miss Bush: That bag obviously does not hold your FEED. Honey...you look like a bobble head doll. Get a meal in, dear. Life is much more enjoyable satiated. Promise.

But, j'adore your horsebit belt. Would make for a lovely bracelet.

In awe of your buffalo check-ness,

Mrs. News Readin'

A letter to Mr. & Mrs. Wentz

Dear Ashlee and Pete,

Congratulations on the arrival of your baby boy, Bronx Mowgli!


I realize that as artists, creativity and expression are integral to your very being. However, is the naming of your first born really the best way to channel your artistic inspiration?

Perhaps I'm making a hasty call. As a New yorker, I should be bursting with pride...

Maybe Pete is related to Jonas Bronck, the Dutch sea captain, for whom the Bronx is named. Maybe Ashlee is a descendant of Siwanoy Indians and has a deep connection to her ancestral lands. Maybe you felt it was your duty as Americans to cast light on our nation's poorest Congressional District - the 16th.

Or maybe you just forgot that you're child had to attend the third grade and having C-list celebrity parents just wasn't enough baggage.

Seriously. Have either of you ever been to the Bronx? (Yankee Stadium excluded.)

The borough hasn't seen this much celebrity endorsement since Jenny was On the 6 and claimed her from the Block roots.


I expect Adolfo Carrión Jr., Bronx borough president, will be contacting you shortly to see how the borough can capitalize on this fragment of spotlight.

Perhaps, young Bronx will get a key to Co-op City? It's lovely this time of year.

Either way, go ahead and enroll that kid in martial arts. He'll need it.

If there is a next time, let's really use that nine months to weigh our options and think it through.

And no, Staten Island is not an option.

Warmest regards,

Mrs. News Readin'

Campaign trail ends in a cabbage patch

This is old news- but I just heard about the Obama/Biden and McCain/Palin Cabbage Patch dolls that were auctioned off on eBay, to benefit Marine Toys for Tots program.

Presidential Candidate Cabbage Patch Kids? Is that what kids are asking Santa for this Christmas?

Probably not. These things only appeal to weird adults, who probably have an impressive Beanie Baby collection. But I digress...

Palin, complete with glasses and sausage legs stuffed into little black pumps, seemed to draw the most bidding action. And why not? She comes with a $150,000 wardrobe - according to all the anonymous wardrobe spies. (Take that Barbie.) Seems like a good deal at nearly $10,000.


Do you think she has a typical Cabbage Patch middle name, like Esmeralda, Ertha or Ailene?

The President-elect Obama doll, was a close second - with over $3,000 in bids.




Cue the Debbie Downer music...poor McCain and Biden, seemed definitely less cuddly. Biden didn't even fetch $1,000.

Back in the day, I would have given every sticker in my prized album for a Cabbage Patch Kid.
Not sure if I would have wanted this Sarah...she may have wanted to use my Koosa for a rug or worse - chili.



We now return to your regularly scheduled program.