Wednesday, December 3, 2008

For Mature Audiences Only

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program for this special report.

The scene: City K grocery store - Checkout line #6
The witness: Yours truly
The crime: "Holy smokes" inappropriateness courtesy of Cosmopolitan magazine

There I was...ready to breeze through "How to lose 50 lbs. by breathing and eating cake!" in everyone's health bible (First magazine), when I spotted the December issue of Cosmo.

Damn near blinded by J. Simpson's ample bosom, I blinked a few times to make sure I was reading everything correctly. Sadly, I was...

1. Total Body Sex.
Reallly??? Multi-tasking Americans everywhere have been practicing Partial Body Sex? This whole time doing laundry, yard work, vacuuming and enjoying the company of someone special. How inefficient am I?

2. Sexy vs Skanky.
Hmmm...Cosmo, I think one should refrain from weighing in on such a discussion when one is wholly skanky.

3. How to Outsmart a Date Rapist.
So you are providing tips to attract super hot guys and 15 pages later outlining how to hoodwink any that are degenerates and violent. Nice messaging. Stick to sexy vs skanky. Let Marie Claire handle the more serious topics. K?

4. Your Orgasm Face.
Gross. How desperate are you for content? Ugh.

Has Cosmo always been this ridiculous or am I just showing my age? Not to mention - Children can read. Children accompany their parents to the store and wait impatiently in the check-out line. Even though I am not a mother, I would be furious if I had to explain "orgasm face" to my nine year-old.

If we wanted to be visually accosted by an ample bosom splashed across a cover, promising the keys to keeping your man happy...well, we know where to look:

Nothing makes Mr. News Readin' happier than a bowl of chili. Hot, sexy, turkey chili.

Take that, Cosmo.

We now return to your regularly scheduled program.


Ned said...

Oh my god I thought the same thing. I was in the store with my 9 year old and we both were staring at her tits and he is reading out loud the front of the magazine...I got him busy helping with the cart. That mag is ridiculous.

Legallyblondemel said...

Bwahahaha. I couldn't agree more. Plus, I love any post that uses the term "hoodwinked".

AND, I confess that once upon a time, I was a loyal Cosmo reader. Sometime around year 27, I picked one up with the intent to purchase, shrieked at the cover, and haven't looked at it since. I like to think it's a factor of my ever-increasingly discerning taste, but I suspect age may be a factor . . .

kristy said...

Your post was too funny! I completely agree that chili is sexy ... and I just love Paula. As for Cosmos, they should be ashamed ... it's just embarrassing.

Hilary said...

I have now stopped feeling uncomfortable by Cosmo and now I can't stop laughing at what you wrote and how dead on you are. Thank god for Paula!

Do you think you'll have to explain the Cosmo to Mr. N.R.?

Mom on the Run said...

I wonder why when my kids were small and asking embarrassing questions at the checkout counter, they hadn't invented those opaque screens that cover up all the nasty headlines (thank you Publix and Kroger).

And I LOL at the First Magazine. If I would just take that one seriously, I would be a waif by now.

Toad said...

For a 16 yo boy Cosmo was always far sexier than Playboy.

Now Chili, that trumps just about everything

Happy Homemaker said...

So glad you've moved on over to Paula!